Every Single Night
by Void1010
Summary: There is no denying that love is powerful but for Hermione that's not a good thing. Rated M after ch.2
1. Denial

Before we begin the story, let us take a look at the situation at hand. A lady sits with preposterous posture on her bed, papers strewn around her, files all over the floors and every hard surface in her room. She is writing furiously without pause, continuously perusing her notes, double and triple checking herself into perfection even at this ungodly hour of four' o clock in the morning. This hard at work lady is none other than Hermione Granger. Dedicated, isn't she? Working hard contributing to the Restoration of Hogwarts, an honest and just cause, right? Many are beyond adoring to the war heroine; she gives so much of herself, doesn't she? Like an angel.

But what is this? Is that...is that a bitter little smile she's wearing? Surely not! Hermione Granger does not smile bitterly, she smile's with open happiness. No, no... that was just the lighting casting shadows on her face...

But wait, how could this be? Hermione Granger letting out an animalistic cry? Hermione Granger flinging all the covers and papers off onto the floor? Hermione Granger shooting off her bed and blasting everything in sight?

What could possibly wrong with her?

Breathing frantically, wand arm still poised in front of her, standing in the carnage of her ruined room, Hermione Granger did not look like herself. She looked...

Positively mad.

* * *

That was it really. It had to be. She must be going mad.

Her glamour hid the dark circles under her eyes as she smiled at the students as she breezed quickly past, her carefully planned schedules and charts held tight to her chest.

"Miss Granger!" Headmistress McGonagall called, causing Hermione to turn with her smile unwavering. "Might I have a word?"

"Of course, Pro-Headmistress." She quickly corrected as McGonagall smiled at her slip and patted her shoulder lightly as they moved away from the bustle of the crowd.

"You don't have to correct yourself, Miss. Granger. I myself cannot quite get used to the notion yet and find myself often having to do a double take when I get addressed. Anyway, I wanted to ask if you finished up the outline-"

"Already have it here, Headmistress." Hermione supplied, readily pulling out one of her files to hand to her.

"Oh! Wonderful! I was hoping that you might but since its not due for another two days I wasn't sure but then again, it is you we are talking about! I knew I could count on you!" The old woman bolstered, taking the file happily.

Hermione's maintained her smile, her cheeks feeling sore as her eye gave a barely perceivable twitch.

"Yes, thank you. It was no trouble, really-"

"Oh, is that Hermione Granger I see!" A great bellowing voice boomed out. Hermione did not falter as Professor Slughorn hazardously maneuvered through the crowd to where she stood.

"Hello Professor Slughorn," she greeted as the jiggly man sucked in quick heaving breaths, completely out of shape.

"Horace, are you alright?" McGonagall asked as Slughorn leaned a large meaty hand against her and Hermione's shoulder, making the both of them stagger slightly under the weight. It took him a minute to catch his breath before he waved a dismissive hand.

"Quite alright, quite alright, just a little out of shape is all from climbing all these steps. I was actually heading over to see you, Hermione-"

"Then I must be on my way," McGonagall said, retracting Slughorns hand as she gave them both smiles and tipped the file Hermione gave her in thanks. "I am very grateful for this, Granger. You both have a great day, and do try to exercise a little more Horace." McGongall chastised, giving him stern look over her classes before swooping away.

"Right," Slughorn started, ignoring McGonagall. "I looked over some of the medicinal potions we brewed last week, Miss. Granger, and thought you'd like to come back down to the dungeons later on today for a bit more tweaking. Although your thesis made a good argument that Billywig guts would nullify the restorative properties of the mandrake leaves I'm afraid the actual trial run is proving to be against you! If you have time later on today..."

Her mental checklist showed that she might be able to squeeze in a visit if she went without dinner and revamped the group schedules for the oversight leaders instead which meant she this would be her third day going without seeing Ron, her supposed 'boyfriend'.

"Absolutely, Professor. I will most definitely be there! I'll go to the library to double check my hypothesis and-"

"Granger!" Hermione looked passed Slughorns bulky mass to see Justin Finch-Fletchley heading her way.

"Ho ho ho, I'll let you go, Hermione. I can see you're a reliable girl like you is in high demand and very busy! I'll expect you around, say, seven thirty?"

"Yes, that would be perfect." she responded as the man gave her a bright smile before waddling away, calling out to some other prominent faces as he went.

"Hello Justin." Hermione said as he approached before he launched into another task to add to her to-do list.

As the day went on more and more people came up to demand things of Hermione. She accepted six other tasks deciding that six would be a sufficient amount of things to do so that she would not have a moments pause.

She moved for the library, passing students and ministry officials alike grouped together using their magic to rebuild and fix Hogwarts reminiscent of muggle construction workers and worker bees in her eyes. She gazed around at it all with concealed detachment, eyes ghosting over them unseeingly as her feet moved.

A flash of red hair moving out of sight caught her attention and immediately spurred a lump in her throat.

_Don't, don't do it, just keep moving and ignore it..._

But like a moth to the flame, her feet moved slowly with trepidation to the hidden alcove she'd just seen a long mane of red hair and a tall head of black messy tresses disappear behind.

Heart beating a mile a minute in her chest, Hermione quickly pulled out her wand and cast a surreptitious glance around before waving her wand and disillusioning herself and silencing her shoes.

The hot, shameful, icky feeling that came over her was not enough to stop her morbid curiosity and need to see as she moved in closer. She rubbed her sweaty palms against her skirt and licked her suddenly dry lips, reaching out with a shaky hand to peek slightly behind the tapestry.

Her heart took a plummet as her eyes might exactly what she knew she would see.

There, just ahead of her, Ginny had Harry up against the wall, a confident little smile on her pretty freckled face as she leaned her body impossibly close to Harry's, one hand gripping his hair the other pulling him closer by his robes...

She sucked in a breath, sharp pain in her chest as she looked at him completely consumed by Ginny as they snogged. He had his arms locked around her tight, as if he wanted to be even closer to her. He kissed the red head thoroughly, lips molding against Ginny's and tasting her.

As she watched, tears pooling in her eyes, clutching her papers and files tightly, Harry pushed against Ginny, moving them to the other side of the wall nearest to her. She felt so close to them, the light from the hall casting a thing line onto the couple.

She watched, her hand holding back the tapestry clenching as Harry clutched at Ginny's clothes making desperate little sounds in the back of his throat like he needed the girl utterly. Ginny basked in it, hiking her legs around his waist as he grabbed her wrists and held them above her head with one hand the other bunching up her clothes at the waist.

Hermione could feel her tears sliding down her skin in a detached sort of way. It always hurt when she saw them together, the initial feeling like her heart was punched out of her chest lasting for a few minutes before a numbness set in. She gazed fixedly as Harry's hips started moving against Ginny's, his mouth breaking free to travel to her throat and suck on her skin to mark her as Ginny whimpered but gave as good as she got, moving her hips as well.

Hermione swallowed hard feeling cold, hallowed as she moved away and fell heavily against the wall, slamming her hands over her ears to drown them out.

_Don't think. Don't feel. Just breathe. In and out, in and out._ She thought as she slide down the wall, un-seeing eyes trained on her knobby knee high socks. She looked so delicate, head bent, limp limbs, like a fragile flower.

Something was very wrong inside her, something that made her feel so destroyed inside. She raised her hand and pressed it to the ache in her chest. She didn't want to feel this way but it just wouldn't go away. It pressed against her heart, made her throat burn and tears form. _Calm down. Your going to be okay. Your alright._ She told herself. She focused on nothing, just breathed and listened to the silence so slowly the imaged that had burned behind her eyes of the two faded. Something deep inside her hurt but it was being quelled as an empty feeling washed over her.

Her mind drifted in and out between numbness and coherency as it tended to do sometimes. She pulled into herself, falling into a blank state.

Time. She lost complete track of it as she sat there un-moving, un-blinking, like a statue. Like always, her body naturally came to sometime later when day stood on the cusp of night. When she blinked and came to she fully felt a wave of panic, desperation and a quiet fear that left her shaking and gasping.

She had done it again. Completely checked out from reality.

"Oh, Merlin, no." She whispered horrified.

Her mind frantically tried to come up for a reason for this...why this continued to keep happening to her. She tried to stand in her panicky state and she cried out a little at the pins-and needles feeling running up and down her legs. She relied heavily on the wall as she forced herself to stand, unwilling to spend another second in this hall.

With a pace much like a sloth, Hermione dragged herself away moving until her body finally felt like a body instead of her pillow cushion and when that happened she just ran. How long had she checked out this time? An hour? Two?

The sky outside finally submerged into darkness and she could hear people entering the halls to head to the Great Hall for dinner. She felt shaken to the core. She had been out for three hours. She dodged into the nearest door not wanting anyone to see her in her edgy frightful state.

Slamming it tight, she wasted no time warding the door, unconsciously using all the spells she used when they were hiding in the tent quite unnecessarily. Her eyes took in the empty classroom, looking around for what she didn't know. She just couldn't think about it. She needed a distraction.

Over by the front of the classroom, tall windows let in the silver light of the moon, clouds streaming past and casting shadows on the floor. Hermione crossed over to the welcoming sight and with a flick of her wand, opened the window, feeling a gush of air shoot in with the wind. She moved closer and pulled the window wider, leaning her upper body out as she let the cold air touch her flushed skin.

From up here, she could see the still destroyed Greenhouse and the dark outline of the forbidden forest, the sounds of the night and all its mysteries reaching her ears to sing her a lullaby. She closed her eyes and tried to feel the calamity and let it sooth her. She really tried to at least stop her shaking, holding her breath to stop her tremors before letting it out with a whoosh to join with the breeze.

"Its. not. working." she hissed out through gritted teeth, feeling a lump develop painfully at the back of her throat. "Why is nothing working?" She cried out into the night with frustration.

And then a sound unleashed from her, a long keening sound like a wounded animal that she felt powerless to control. It escaped into the night to drown out the crickets song and the cicadas singing. She tried to clamp her lips shut but it just pulled from the back of her throat.

And once unleashed it could not be controlled.

* * *

The next morning found Hermione much like yesterday, smiling and heeding to people's beck and call. If her smile was too tight or hers slightly pinched, then it was a trick of light since Hermione Granger always remained poised and ready for any task ahead.

She had just managed to get into sight of the library doors when a familiar red head drew her attention. Ronald Weasley walked a ways ahead of her, quite noticeable with his tall flaming head above all the others. She froze for a heart beat before she moved determinedly to him, her commanding gait and fierce eyes making all in her way scramble past.

"Ronald Weasley!" She called, successfully freezing said boy on the spot. She noted his relaxed hand curling into fists at the sound of her voice before he slowly turned to her, a smile on his face that did not reach his eyes.

"Mornin' Hermione. I was just on my to...to see George." Ron lied, his eyes averting as she narrowed hers on him.

"Ron, George left the reconstruction program three days ago. He went with Lee, remember? They pranked the Great Hall doors before they left to say insults to whom ever goes in and out." she reminded dully, unamused with his pathetic lies.

Ron glanced away guiltily as she crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Oh, right." he said lamely making her narrow her eyes further. She let him squirm for a bit before she sighed and dropped her arms.

"Is there something wrong with me?" She asked startling him so that his head shot up to stare at her with shock.

"Wha-"

"Did I do something? Is it me? Am I the reason why this relationship has turned into...into a tiresome job for you?" She looked away and bit her lip so that she wouldn't say something she'd regret, like 'did you find out that I'm going mental?' Her heart started pounding in her chest as she waited for his response which came a half a second later.

"No! No, Hermione, there's nothing wrong with you! Are you mad?" he asked with a forced laugh as she flinched at the word mad. He shook his head and reached out for her hand. "I've just been a little distracted because being here feels...odd... and I don't want to bother you when your so busy with this fixing up stuff so..."

Hermione breathed heavily in relief and gripped his hand a little tighter. What would she have done if he had said yes? Ron was the only thing she had to keep her from teetering over the edge to something she was too scared to even think about. If she were to lose him...if she were to be left even more alone with that all consuming bleakness that stayed constantly over her heart... to watch Harry and Ginny live their happy lives wrapped around each other...

She just couldn't think about it.

"Good," she said, his words alleviating slightly the heaviness in her chest. "Good! So then you wouldn't mind going with me to Hogsmead this weekend right? I need to get some things to help with my potions that I'm making for Slughorn and could really use an extra set of hands." She said hopefully, scooting in to wrap her arm around Ron's, missing the way his jaw tightened and a cold shutters that pulled down over his eyes.

"Of course, because there's nothing else I could possibly want to do with my girlfriend over the weekend then to be her bag carrier." He bit out, his words spoken so bitterly she frown and immediately retracted her arm as she stared up at him.

"Bag carrying is just an excuse. Of course we'll do more when we're in Hogsmead, we can go to the Quidditch shop or the Hogshead-"

"Why can't we go to the three broom sticks, you know I like that place ten times more." He jumped in, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at her as her own cold look passed her face as her jaw tightened. She felt a huge urge to just hex him when he deliberately pressed her buttons like this but if he thought he could get rid of her in this way he had another thing coming.

"Are you determined to pick a fight with me today, Ronald? You know why I wouldn't want us to go to the three broom sticks since you'll just sit there barely saying a word to me as you stare at Rosmarta's arse!"

"Oh come of it Hermione! I don't stare at her-" Hermione interrupted with a derisive laugh.

"Yes, you do to and its pathetic! You look like a perverted beast with your tongue wagging whenever she sets down a cup of butterbeer in front of you and your eyes are always fixed on her chest!"

She didn't miss his cold look this time as his blue eyes stared down at her as he took a step away.

"I don't want to deal with you today, I'm going." he said before spinning on his heal. Her eyes widened at the proclamation and a hot quick jolt of panic shot through her that almost made her cry out to plead with him to stay before she told herself he was only walking away for now. He was not leaving her.

It was only then that she noticed all the eyes staring at her and felt a heavy stone sink in her stomach. She forced her hands to relax, her hair falling to hide her face as she gazed at the floor to take a deep breath before plastering a stern expression on her face.

"I know you all have better things to do than watch a lover's spat..." she said meeting a few of the stares with her own reprimanding ones before she moved quickly away to catch up with Ron.

"Ron wait!" she called when she was a good distance away, speed walking to try to catch up with his long strides. She saw his shoulders tense before he speed up, not even sparing her a glance back. She moved a little faster, tempted to just run up to him but unwilling to cause another seen as he practically sprinted to get away from her.

Seeing him so desperately wanting to get away from her should have made her feel anything but what she did, needy. Ever since the start of the Building And Revitalizing Futures Program, Ron had been steadily pulling away from everyone and with her, even worse; it felt more like he hated her sometimes. However, instead of feeling sadness or frustration as, probably, any normal girl would, she felt determined and needier to keep him.

Every time Ron distanced himself from her, making excuse to run away from her presence she would go chasing after him, not giving him an opportunity to do so. If Ron left her then nothing would remain of normalcy before the war, she would just be on the outskirts with nothing to hold on to. So she held on to the cracks of their foundations with everything she had. She refused to let him slip through her fingers.

Besides, whatever had Ron in a tizzy seemed hardly a good enough reason for their relationship away. She knew he knew that too or he himself would have broken up with her. So with that thought she just stopped, staring after his back as he disappeared into the crowd.

"Oh hey, Hermione! I was just looking for you..." a voice called.

Taking in a breath, she formed her lips into a smile and turned away.

* * *

Hogsmead arrived and Hermione made sure to corner Ron before he could sneak away from her clutches.

When he came down the boys dormitory far later then all the rest of his room mates (Harry had left around nine thirty to get an early start to see Ginny) she was there waiting.

He gulped when she reached out and snagged him against her, a strange flighty expression on his face as she smiled up at him.

"Good morning Ron!" She chirped, reaching up and pulling his head down to press a kiss to his still unyielding lips. He became impossibly still at her affection, tenser than a spring under her hands. She let him go and he moved back as if he'd been electrified and not in a good way. She ignored this and continued as if nothing had happened. "You've missed breakfast but Dobby was all too happy to get us something to munch on but we've got to hurry since everyone already left."

She pulled him by the hand over to the couches where she placed the food Dobby gave her. Tugging him down next to her, she let go of his hand to make him a plate, spying from the corner of her eye the way his hands clenched on his thighs.

"I've already eaten so we can leave once you've finished. I've got some time today so we can hang out until dinner. Here." She said, holding out his fixed plate and meeting his gaze as he looked from her to the plate then back to her, un-moving. She raised her eyebrows and wiggled the plate a little and slowly he reached out and took it, his face devoid of anything as he picked up his fork and began to eat.

Gosh, this felt so miserable.

She gazed away, her bushy hair hiding her profile as she closed her eyes and bit her lip. What was happening here? What was she doing? Why was there nothing here between them anymore? Why did it seem there was no more joy in the world?

She steeled herself, feeling that void threatening to pull her under. She opened her eyes and forced herself to focus telling her mind to shut up. She needed this day, she needed to pretend with Ron that everything was alright.

She turned her head back to him with a smile she hoped looked sincere. He was staring down at his half eaten plate so she plucked it from his hand and set it on the table before them.

"All finished?" she asked even when she was beginning to stand and grabbing his hand. "Good let's go." She felt anxious and unnatural as she dragged him with her. She talked endlessly without any thought to what she was saying not that it mattered since judging by the awful blank look on Ron's face he wasn't listening anyway. She just needed something to fill the looming pressure surrounding them.

For the rest of the day, Ron stood by her like a quiet, subdued shadow. She asked many times during the day what was wrong with him with a forced smile and shifting eyes that couldn't seem to stay on his for too long but he just continued to say "I'm fine." until she finally stopped asking. It was glaringly obvious that there was something astronomically wrong here.

When it came time to eat she brought them to the three broom sticks, uncaring if he just sat there and stared at Rosmarta the whole time. At this point she would do anything to get the boy to stop acting like a horrible combination of robot and zombie.

They were sat by the owner herself and Hermione carefully watched Ron for any sort of reaction as the curvaceous woman strutted in front of them but Ron just stared ahead with a cool look on his face. She blinked in surprise and sputtered like a fool when Rosmarta asked what they'd like to order.

When she was gone Hermione turned her head to Ron and was about to ask him again what was wrong when two voices calling their names froze her. Ron glanced past her shoulder at the two and smiled tightly, looking as excited as a devil snare in sunlight as Harry and Ginny approached. Hermione for her part felt like she was about to come apart at the seems, that horrible, panicky sensation making her skin break out into sweat even when it felt brisk inside the pub.

Her hands around her cup of butterbeer spasm-ed in her nervousness as she raised the glass to her mouth to have an excuse from greeting them. She was pretty sure if she tried to speak she'd only be able to make a horrible hoarse sound.

"Merlin! I feel like I haven't seen you two in years!" Harry said pulling up chairs from an empty table next to them for Ginny and himself and plopping right down.

"I suspect it's because they're probably off snogging each other as much as we are, Harry."

"Ginny!" Ron bellowed, looking more like himself that he had all day as his face turned a bright red. Harry frowned as if the thought of them snogging was the second most repulsive thing he had envisioned after a snogging Voldemort and Bellatrix. Ginny broke out in pleased laughter as Hermione grimaced and turned away, not wanting to look as Harry gazed lovingly at the red heads face.

"That's gross, Gin." Harry said, Hermione could hear the fond smile in his voice and momentarily shut her eyes as her heart throbbed.

_Just get through the initial pain...You'll be fine, you know you will...Now get a grip._

Releasing a breath and expelling all the tension from her body at the same time, Hermione turned to the two with a her usual smile on her face.

"Oh shut it Harry. You know the two are rarely ever in Gryffindor tower-"

Hermione tuned out, not wanting to hear her words that were so far from the truth it was laughable. She was just always doing something to keep herself occupied and Ron...well she didn't know what Ron got up to and why he wasn't at the tower more but at the moment she didn't care. Harry and Ginny continued back and forth with Ron as she feigned interest, choking out laughs at the appropriate times.

She tried not to take any details in their faces but noticed right away how they kept smiling so genuinely at each other as they sat side by side. The distance between her and Ron was like an ocean between them as they sat facing each other across the table.

Something so ugly and terrible whispered into her mind when her eyes fastened onto the couples touching legs. She wanted to look away put felt riveted to the place where Ginny's bare thigh was touching against Harry's.

"-'mione?"

Giving herself a hard bruising pinch to her own thigh, Hermione forced her mind and eyes under control, raising to meet Harry's to see if he caught her. Her heart jerked when she found him gazing at her with bemusement behind his glasses.

A coldness swept through her, stealing her breath for a moment as she felt petrified that he knew, that he saw it written on her face. White noise filled her head and she could feel herself slipping, feel herself pulling away.

She gasped, and stood on shaking limbs, her skin cold and clammy as her fear threatened to swallow her whole.

"Ron, I think you should help her to the hospital." She heard Harry say as she felt a hand steady her. Her eyes flicked down at the hand to find Ginny's small freckled holding her forearm to steady her.

She tried to get her mouth to unscrew to tell them she was fine but everything felt frozen.

"Yeah, alright." She heard Ron reply, before feeling him come up next to her and grab her other arm.

Finally, her body seemed to recuperate and she lurched back away from the two Weasley's. Breathing heavily, she raised her eyes at the three to find them all staring back at her and forced a shaky smile.

"I'm sorry guys," she apologized, pressing a hand to her stomach as she frowned. "My stomach has been making me feel sick all day but I can get back to the hospital wing by myself if one of you perform a pepper-"

"Hermione, we're going with you to the hospital wing." Harry cut off, stepping around Ginny to pat her lightly on the back.

Hermione pressed her lips shut and gave a curt nod, averting her eyes and inching closer to Ron as she did so, putting more distance between them. She moved over to Ron's other side and ducked under his arm, wrapping her own too tightly around his waist.

Ron squeezed her shoulder, or more like pinched, and she glanced up to see something she dreaded and feared. Gazing down at her, his blue eyes looked hard and strangely perceptive, warning her that he had seen something she let come unscrewed and she gulped hard, her throat dry as she quickly averted her eyes.

Nobody spoke as they walked back to the castle and Hermione felt sure that she would keel over from the pressure weighing down on her, alleviated by the heaviness of Ron's arm around her. When they finally arrived to the hospital wing, Hermione felt sure she probably did look like a sick patient, her gray parlor, dark eyes even with the glamour and bushy tresses but they all drew up short when they saw just how many other students were there.

Almost every bed was occupied and Hermione was surprised to see another nurse there assisting as they both bustled around.

She knew had known being the one helping Slughorn brew the medicinal potions that there were in demand but she had not figured this much.

"Oh! It's Harry Potter!" Some bandaged kid cried from his bed, immediately drawing attention to the floor. Hermione reflexively straightened herself in the presence of others, needing to remain a stoic, poised sort of leader.

"Merlin, Harry Potter!" the announcement brought on curious, awed staring that instantly added tension to the group, most notably, Harry.

"Nope, afraid its just Harry. " he joked as Hermione sneaked a peek at him and his slightly embarrassed face.

"Potter! What are you doing in here? Got yourself into a bit of trouble again, then?" Madam Pomfrey as asked as Harry shook his head slightly and rubbed the back of his neck, deciding to save him Hermione stepped up with her smile ready.

"I'm afraid that it's me, Madam Pomfrey," she said as the woman turned to her as if noticing there were other's around Harry for the first time.

"Miss. Granger? Well, what can I do for you?" She asked as Hermione turned to her friends and gave a dismissive wave.

"Thanks you guys. I'll see you later." she said hoping that they wouldn't put up a fight and just leave.

"Wait! Harry Potter, can you tell us at least how you managed to survive the Avada Kedevra a second time?" a young boy, probably a first or second year, cried excitedly. Hermione winced, along with the other three at the kids poor lack of tact.

"Yeah, are you like some invincible demi-god now?" someone else asked as Harry sighed but continued to smile with his own tight eyed smile.

"Sorry mates but we've got to go now. Feel better." he said addressing the last part mostly to Hermione as Ginny took Harry's hand and the three walked out of the door, Ron not saying a word but throwing her a icy look before he left.

Hermione breathed out, her nerves beyond shot as she made the closest empty bed with Pomfrey write behind her, standing in front of her as Hermione plopped down heavily on the bed.

"Ms. Granger can you please inform me of your symptoms because my charms are saying that you are fine, except for this horribly lax of proper nutrition. Are you aware Miss. Granger that you are anemic?"

Hermione shook her head, raising a shaky hand to rub her forehead as she felt positively dreadful.

"Well, hold on while I get some potions that will set you right as rain."

Hermione glanced outside her drawn up curtain at the numerous amount of filled beds and sucked in a sharp breath when she saw a head of platinum blonde hair on the bed furthest from her own.

Draco Malfoy lay un-moving in his bed and appeared almost dead with how still he was except for the ever so slight rise and fall of his chest. His skin seemed ghostly white like the sheets cocooned around him. She stared at him for a long while, wondering about how he ended up in here, why all these people were in here. She decided to ask when Madam Pomfrey came back which came moments later.

"Madam Pomfrey, the hospital wing is even more crowded then the Great Hall," she joked, knowing she couldn't just outright ask the woman about her patients ailments. "Was there some accident during construction...?"

"Oh no," Pomfrey she said with a firm grip in her head as she settled some potions down and glanced around herself. "nothing of the sort. Some patients are here for precautionary measures...but you know I can't talk about it. Now, shall I give you some delicious remedies, Miss. Granger?" By the wicked smile that came upon the nurse she knew they were far from delicious and sighed.

* * *

She stayed in the hospital wing until Pomfrey cleared her sometime around dinner. She did not go to the hall but headed to her library, not wanting to see anyone after her fit. She wondered at the swiftness it suddenly appeared and worried her bottom lip. How much longer would she continue to ignore this...alarming dilemma? She felt like it just continued to get worse and worse.

She felt confident that she could hide it from the others. Everyone was too rapped up in their own lives to notice her mental breakdowns. Which was how she preferred it of course. She didn't want anyone to see her crumpling, she didn't need anybody's pity. She was a hero. There wasn't anything she could think of that she'd do differently.

A flash of the tent and Harry's sleeping face crossed over her mind but she refused to let it stay for even a second. Immediately she brought up her to do list to the forefront of her mind, contemplating her next course of action to occupy her time.

She had a meeting with the group leaders overseeing the reconstructing progress to find out how much progress they were making tomorrow morning. Then McGonagall had requested that she draw up new schedules for the new group of volunteers that just joined and she still had yet to perfect the medicinal remedies. Also, the mysterious patients packing in the library concerned her and she would have to get to the bottom of that somehow.

Pulling up a chair in the farthest corner of the library, Hermione set to work in the silence, her mind emptying and focusing on the task she had the power to fix. She made her schedules, scratching and rewriting for hours on end. Her hand usually cramped around every four hours of steady writing, so on her third time using her wand to numb it, she knew it was beyond late.

Just as well, she didn't want to sleep. She would rather stay up and do something productive then wallow in nightmares that she couldn't even remember, just constantly waking up screaming.

_But,_ she reflected, her dreary eyes staring out into the darkly light space between the large bookshelves, _I haven't slept at all really for two days now. Maybe just a quick little kip... _

Nodding to herself, Hermione stood and gathered her things, trudging back to the dorms, the echos of her shoes the only sounds in the halls except for the occasional snore from the portraits.

She hadn't expected to encounter anyone so when Neville came barreling out of the portrait whole ahead of her, she was so startled her things went flying.

"Neville!" she gasped, her heart beating a mile a minute. "What are you doing-"

"Harry!" He blurted, his state even more flustered then hers.

The strength of the reaction he stirred with his name left her in a state teetering on the brink as unadulterated fear spiked at his words.

"He's screaming Hermione, just like back then-"

She was already through the portrait whole before she could even think about it, running across the common room to the boys staircase in record time, surprising Neville who followed after her. She burst into the room, her wide eyes quickly taking in every detail of the scene in her adrenaline state.

Harry indeed was screaming horrible pained shouts from his bed, his head thrashing around and looking awfully like he was being put under the cruciatus curse.

"Harry, Harry wake up!" Dean was shouting, both him and Seamus on either side of Harry's bed, trying to shake him awake, looking frightful and tousled as they wrestled to keep Harry's limbs down.

"Ron, what the hell are you doing! Wake up and help us!" Seamus cried, sounding close to tears as he glared at the red head snoring on his bed, not even stirring in all this commotion.

"Oh Harry," Hermione cried, making both of the awake boys head spin in her direction. Her heart felt like it was in the back of her throat watching him suffering.

"Hermione!" Dean gasped, looking a little less panicked as she ran over to them. "I don't know why he won't wake up!"

"Move over." she ordered softly.

"But, he's really thrashing."

Pulling out her wand Hermione used a spell she'd learned recently from Madam Pomfrey that made all the limbs of a person go limp. Dean and Seamus both immediately let go, eyeing her appreciatively. Placing her wand on Harry's nightstand her eyes tenderly fell onto Harry as she scooted onto the bed and placed a hand on his cheek.

"Harry, it's okay. You're alright. Wake up, Harry." she crooned over his hoarse cries, rubbing soothing circles on his face with her thumb. "You don't have to be trapped in there. Open your eyes Harry and look at me."

Leaning down, Hermione used an impressive amount of strength to heave Harry up into an embrace, holding all his weight with her upper body as she held his head so their foreheads were touching with one hand, the other wrapped around his back and running a comforting hand up and down. This close to him, she could see his eyes moving behind his lids, perspiration glistening his skin and feel the random spasming of his limbs as if they were her own.

"Harry, open you eyes." she commanded strongly, pressing her head harder against Harry's damp one. "Come on Harry, do it. See me. I'm right here. You're safe...you're with me."

A relieved sigh went around the room as Harry finally stopped his hoarse yelling.

"That's right. I'm here Harry." She said squeezing Harry closer and closing her own eyes as he harsh breath ghosted over her lips. "I've got you."

She heard the others shift away as she continued to sooth Harry. She used her hand to place his head on her shoulder when his breathing quieted and used both arms to hug him tight even long after that until the others finally fell back to sleep.

Something in her chest felt...so warm. She smiled slightly feeling familiarization at the situation, taking in a deep breath of Harry's scent as dawn made its steady approach. She was not happy that Harry was in such a state but...it was also a relief. Harry wasn't as happy as he let everyone think he was. He had nightmares too, just like her. It wasn't all just over with him like everyone liked to pretend it was...

Maybe this meant that Harry still needed her too just as much as he needed and relied on her back in that tent. Her role had not ended in his life with the ending of the war.

Her arms grew heavy holding Harry's weight and her legs felt numb. She gently lowered him back down onto his mattress and gazed down at him. He still looked a fright with his hair plastered to his skin but his deep breathing and relaxed expression proved that he no longer trapped in a nightmare. She reached out for her wand and performed a scourging charm on him, knowing that the time to leave would be now but...

Gently she reached out her hand and brushed his hair off his forehead, bringing to view his lightening bolt scar unintentionally. Her fingers trailed over the mark that had noticeably faded since the final battle and she felt a stir of something she could not name in her heart. It wiggled in her chest and she frowned, her eyes fixed on him as she continued to caress his skin. She really should be going...

She only recognized the feeling when she found herself pressing her lips to his scar with closed eyes, urged by the beating of her heart and her desire to, to...

_He's not yours! He belongs to Ginny and you belong to Ron! _

Her lips lingered over his skin but the shame had yet to hit her as she moved back slightly to gaze at his lips. The whisper-like meeting of there lips shouldn't have warranted such a jolt like response in her but it did.

Hadn't she given everything she had for this man? Hadn't she been there throughout every step of his trials? Would it really all end now that there was no dark lord to fight to tie them together? Did she really have to continue to pretend that nothing had changed and meet the expectations that were made before they had went into hiding?

Harry had been her focus for almost her entire Hogwarts experience and those weeks when it had been just them in the tent at the lowest point of their lives changed everything that had been formed in their sixth year.

The catalyst that had changed everything for her was when Harry had been bitten by the snake. No one had ever need her so much and she had never taken care of somebody so utterly. It was as if he was her. What she did for herself she also had to do for him. Since Scourigy would not have been enough to keep the wound clean she had to routinely wash him as one would child and it had been that way for days.

How could anyone expect her to forget it? How could anyone even begin to understand the depths and lengths she had gone for him? Could anyone even comprehend what she had felt and had to sacrifice when Ron had looked her in her eyes and told him to leave with him, when he gave her an out and she choice to stay. She hadn't even spared a thought for going but she had given up what she had perceived as love to stay and possibly die for Harry.

For her it had been a scary revelation of he lengths she would go for him.

Could Ginny say the same thing? Could anyone? No. Could anyone else even say they had done as much for anyone in their lives as she has for Harry's?

_No._

"I'm sorry, Harry," she whispered without strength.

Her hand lightly cupped the side of his face as she slowly, so slowly, bent her head lower and touched her lips to his.

She did not press, did not intrude but she also could not pull away.

A lost, sad feeling bloomed in her chest making her eyes sting.

A quiet, stolen kiss.

It embedded itself inside of her. If it was the first and the last, she knew then that she would never be able to forget the feel of his kiss.

Nor the heart wrenching affirmation that she had indeed fallen in love with Harry Potter.


	2. Help

Unlike what you might think, Hermione did not mope in sadness after that, in fact, somehow Hermione Granger seemed almost...happier. The difference was subtle, barely even noticeable unless you were looking but her smile seemed brighter. She stopped people in the halls to talk and she even hung out with a group of Ravenclaw volunteers.

People smiled in delight when they saw her, watching as she took joy in helping others, using her brilliant mind and magical skills to help make a change for the betterment of Hogwarts Future. People couldn't help but ask her what was her secret...how did she stay so positive and energetic.

She'd smile modestly with a pleased flush marring her cheeks.

"There's no secret. My heart is just in it." She'd reply.

A pretty little lie.

Hermione Granger did have a secret. A monumental one but it would be a cold day in hell before she ever said it.

* * *

The stillness of the common room heightened her senses as she crept across the floor to the boys stair case. She felt distinctly aware of every breath she took and the heart hammering in her chest.

She licked her dry lips, her eyes darting to the bright moon outside of the glass window. She paused as she caught sight of her own reflection, the pale light making her features look ghostly and her eyes wide but strangely dark. Was it the lack of sleep that painted her eyes so or her nefarious intentions?

She sucked in a harsh breath and averted her eyes. Maybe it was both but she could hardly stop herself now.

She felt wild. The opportunity the night afforded her was not something she felt inclined to resist no matter how wrong it was.

She crept up the stairs, every step that she took making her breathing more accelerated. There was no trying to talk herself out of it, she was past that point now. She had succumbed to this base desire and just embraced it.

Besides, it was not weakness that lead her to his dorm. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that if what she felt was just a passing fancy that she would resist it, after all her morals and self-righteousness were more than impressive as she had proved countless times in the past. This was about Harry and love both of which had always been out of her control.

Nothing could drive a person madder than love.

At his door, she withdrew her wand and pressed it against the wood, trailing the tip into a runic symbol for bewitched sleep that had long ago been used on her for the Triwizard tournament.

_What a powerful thing, that. _She thought as she stepped inside to the sounds of all the occupants deep breathing. _A__ll the wicked things magic makes a person capable of._

Her eyes flickered briefly over to Ron's bed, his mane of red hair falling gracelessly over his face and eyes as he lay splayed on his bed. _He really needs a trim._ Her mind noticed dimly before she turned her attention to her target.

Harry lay on his back, his chest slowly rising and falling to his soft breathing. She sat next to him with her legs dangling off the side of the bed, staring down at his face with the silver glow from the moon. She reached out and brushed his hair away before trailing her fingers down his face to his slightly parted lips. _At least there is no frown this time._

Usually when she came in, Harry's brows were furrowed in his sleep or his teeth would be grinding, it pleased her to see his face peaceful for a change. Her fingers came up to lightly trail across his scar. She thought about the day and how things felt almost normal between them all earlier during dinner.

She had sat beside Ginny for once, Ron and Harry on the other side and there were no deep staring between the couple to make her stomach twist unpleasantly or no cold and jumpy Ron to make her feel miserable and undesirable. No, surprisingly everybody just seemed to be like their past selves without feelings getting in the way. Hermione had quipped at them all for being lazy with their respective restoration projects, everyone had rolled their eyes good-naturedly, Ron had cracked some jokes and Ginny talked with the boys about Quidditch.

She had not had any of her...blackouts. Her head felt clearer and she could stand to be around Harry and Ginny though Ron was proving to be a hard matter to deal with. Getting the boy to talk or kiss or even be around her for longer than approximately three minutes felt exhausting and usually ended with a fight.

She sighed, leaning her body over Harry's absentmindedly.

Really, Ron was being absurdly reclusive and there was definitely something fishy in his behavior.

"I wonder what could be going on with him..." she thought out loud not worried about anyone hearing her. "Not that you've really noticed, have you Harry, since your eyes are spent staring at Ginny."

"Maybe there's someone else." She continued to muse, retracting her hand to cross her arms over his chest to cradle her head and staring out the window. "Probably should make me feel angry, shouldn't it?"

She sighed again and closed her eyes, feeling the begins of sleep wash over her.

"There's something wrong with all of us, isn't there, Harry?" She whispered tiredly.

There was no denying that something was wrong with her and definitely something wrong with Ron.

"Even you... though you try so hard to hide it." She propped her chin on her hands as she looked at him.

"I wonder if we can go back to normal permanently instead of like how its been."

Her expression grew pained as she knew deep inside that the probability of that happening was slim to none and it was all her own fault. She could not stop her love for him and so long as it existed then so did this horrible barrier that has wedged itself between the group. She was never going to tell him her feelings. She did not want to ask anything of him that she knew he could not give and he was not likely to leave Ginny so...

She leaned up to press a brief kiss against his mark.

"I'm sorry Harry." she said again as was becoming her habit before she ghosted her lips over his.

So there really was no chance of the normalcy from before the war.

* * *

"What do you think, Miss. Granger?" The coordinating architect asked her. Her eyes followed the direction of his finger on the lay out sheet he held out before her and nodded pensively.

"I think I can coordinate with the other group leaders to get it done," she responded, her eyes flicking up just in time to see a mop of recognizable red hair disappearing quickly out of sight. She frowned immediately, eyeing the fluttering tapestry.

"Miss Granger?"

"I'm sorry, please excuse me. I just saw..." she trailed off as she started away quite rudely but she could not let slip this opportunity. She quickly headed straight for the hidden passageway so few even knew about.

_Where could he be going?_ She knew from experience that this passageway lead to the dungeons but why would Ron be going down there?

She slipped inside to find the hall empty and knew she would have to run if she were to catch up to his long strides. Stealthily disillusioning and silencing herself, she went after him, determined to get to the bottom of a one, Ronald Weasley, secret. She spotted him three staircases away down from where they started. His longer red hair flopped around on his head with the haste of which he was going down the stairs.

"What are you doing, Ronald Weasley?" She whispered as she watched him. "Why so eager to come down here?"

She sped up her pace as he came to the end of the stairs and peeked around the exiting tapestry before slipping out. When she came to it she also peered out from behind it and was meet with a crossroads going left, right and straight.

"Oh damn," she hissed not knowing which way he went. She bit her lip in frustration and was just about to go right when she heard voices trailing out in the hall in front of her. She ran forward, her heart spiking in her chest.

"Ow! Bloody hell Malfoy!" she heard Ron shout as somebody hissed at him. Her eyes widened as she strode quickly forward for the rounded corner.

"Oi! Shut up Weasley! You want someone to hear you?"

She rushed forward ready to hex Malfoy to oblivion but stopped short at the scene before her.

Malfoy was smiling. Not smirking or sneering but smiling as he held out a hand for Ron to take. And Ron, Ron not only looked reluctantly amused but he was accepting Malfoy's help.

"Are you alright? I thought you might have been someone else so thats why..." Ron waved him off, clearly not hurt at all.

"My fault. Should have gave the signal but I just..." He shrugged as Malfoy gave Ron a knowing look.

Hermione felt completely thrown at what she had happened across. Was this really it? This was Ron's big secret? But just what is this? Obviously, there was no maliciousness between them...

"I was surprised when you contacted me after getting out of the hospital. I thought after what happened that you would...I don't know...stop it." Ron said rubbing the back of his neck as he always did when he was feeling uncomfortable about something.

Hermione would have given an irritated sigh if she could at their annoying inability to finish their sentences. She felt very tempted to just give up her position and scold Ron. _Use your words Ron!_ But Malfoy seemed to be just as incapable as him.

"Look, you and I both know I'm not likely to cut this stuff and its not nearly as fun without you so..." He trailed off and both boys averted their eyes as if it was too intimate to do otherwise.

Which, Hermione supposed, actually was pretty intimate considering that these two were supposed to be enemies.

"Well, let's do it then. I've been dying for this stuff since you've...been out." Ron said. Malfoy nodded but made no other move.

"Not here." he said.

"Well, obviously Draco." Ron responded.

She didn't know what it was. Maybe the ease of which Ron said Malfoy's name or how the seemed very comfortable just walking side by side but...she felt angry.

She couldn't even pin point why she felt so angry since her own actions were far worse then just befriending a Slytherin and earned Ron any recourse from her judging.

Yet, it remained hard for her to just follow quietly when she really wanted to reveal herself and demand an explanation from him. She did it but it was hard.

They followed the hall down to another staircase that took them even lower into the dungeons and she watched with gritted teeth as Ron went on with familiar steps, obviously having been to where ever they were heading.

Where they were heading was un-originally a wooden door albeit a deeply rooted door in the bowls of the dungeons but a door none-the-less. The stopped in front of it and it only irked her further when Ron know to wait for whatever it was Malfoy was doing to get the door open, which looked a lot like cutting open his hand...

The door opened on its own and she scrambled in after the boys before the door could shut itself.

What laid inside was far from ordinary. The room was massive, reminiscent in size to the come-and-go room's lost things. One entire section of the wall was glass so you could see straight out into the great lake which cast a greenish hue into the room. She felt like she stepped into a modernized billionare's room, the furniture and things lying around having probably been brought in by Malfoy. It was impressive and rich looking and she found herself gaping like a fish as she walked around.

_Damn Slytherin's and their secret chambers! _She thought bitterly as she shut her mouth and followed the two boys over to the posh black couches. Ron sat on the couch across from Malfoy with a table in between them, which she supposed she should feel grateful for since she really didn't know how she'd react if they sat side by side. As it is, she already was having a hard time with Ron just being here at all and felt the distance between them grow even further, sadly, not only their relationship as girl and boy but as best friends.

_The Golden Trio really does seem doomed to go their separate ways._ She reaffirmed as she made herself comfortable by the glass wall and prepared to watch whatever the two were about to do. Ron flicked his wand and lights that seemed to admit from no where turned on as Malfoy pulled out a tiny vial from his robes. Ron whistled with his eyes shooting up to his eyebrows making Malfoy throw him a cocky little smirk. Hermione squinted her eyes at the tiny purple bottle but found their was no label.

"When did you get that?" Ron asked with clear awe in his voice. Malfoy stuck his nose in the air with visible smugness as he uncorked the lid.

"Bought a couple bottles a month ago. Drank one all by myself, that's why I got put in the hospital. Over-dosage. Stuff is bloody powerful shit." He said as Ron looked clearly impressed.

"Well, that's what you get for being a stingy blither, eh?" he responded before he reached out and sniffed it.

"Ah, ah ah. Not so fast Ron. This stuff needs a little more preparation before you can take it or you'll end up just like me." he said before he pulled at his wand and accio'd a burner and a silver cup.

Both came soaring from somewhere she couldn't see and landed on the table softly. Malfoy wasted no time in started the burner and pouring the fluid into the silver cup before putting it on top of the hot surface.

"It's got to be hot." Malfoy explained as Ron watched on. "And the cup has to be pure."

"Whatever Draco, I just want to have a go at it." Malfoy rolled his eyes but handed Ron the cup to which he eagerly took a gulp out of.

They both watched Ron take a large gulp before he held it out for Malfoy, who took it but did not drink; instead he watched Ron's reaction as whatever he took started to take affect.

"It's called the Dragon's Belly. You understand why right about now, I suspect. That low boiling feeling that's not at all unpleasant- in fact it's down right, powerful..." Ron nodded a smile that was not at all pleasant for Hermione to see, curling onto his face.

"It's starts from the below and spreads out, coursing through the blood to every inch of you rising higher and higher until your feeling invincible, powerful beyond measure, like you are the dragon and you can take flight and you can breath fire..."

Ron let out a breath and Hermione jolted at seeing a cloud of purple smoke come out of Ron's mouth as his limbs completely relaxed and his eyes turned glazed. Malfoy smiled, definitely pleased as he brought the cup to his own lips and drank from it. The same affect happened to him and soon both boys were breathing out puffs of purple smoke.

Malfoy flicked his wrist and music came on from nowhere, surprising Hermione so much she jolted.

"Fuck, Draco." Ron moaned, sounding breathy with excitement all at once.

"I know Ron. I know." Malfoy responded. They both feel back into their respective couches and Hermione thought that maybe they had passed out but then something else entirely mind boggling happened.

They started to float in the air.

They did not seem to mind this as they just let their limbs hang with goofy smiles on their faces. They seemed to be literally too high to even care.

"_Fuck_." Ron said rather sluggishly but happily. Malfoy laughed. Actually laughed which seemed to make him float even higher. "Why isn't the whole world doing this?"

"Because they're all daft!"

For some reason this seemed to be especially funny to Ron as he cracked up and flew higher in the air.

"You're fucking right! You are so fucking right, Draco."

"Imagine having a nice pair of titties in your face right now." Malfoy said suddenly disturbingly licking his lips as Ron, alarmingly, moaned.

"That would be fu-ucking-per-fect!" he said, punctuating his syllables with thrusts of his hips making Malfoy howl in laughter and soar into the air.

"That's fucking hilarious, Ron! Do it again!" he ordered as Ron just did as he was bid, a funny expression on his face as he thrust his hips almost in a mock dance. "Wow, is that how you fuck a girl, Weasley?" he asked laughing and shaking his head. Ron started laughing too but stopped.

"I wish, Malfoy. You already know I can't get it up with Her-her-mione!"

Hermione felt sick. Her lips thinned as she watched the boys flying in the air. She wanted to hex them both. She wanted to punch Ron.

"Fucking performance issues! Literally!" Malfoy hollered.

And it continued on, the both of them hollering and flying, hollering and flying until finally-finally- eons later the laughter started to die, the high remarks quieting and they started sinking.

Malfoy was the first to touch down and she'd never felt more relieved in her life. She had tried several times to get the door to open during their high but nothing she tried worked, not even a reducto or bombarda.

However, Mafloy and Ron did not look inclined to leave anytime soon. They looked fish eyed and dead, actually as both of them lied their staring out and not saying a word. She sat crossed legged on the floor by the glass wall and waited, hunching over her arms with her leg impatiently going up and down as she glared at the two venomously, knowing that they couldn't see her but hoping that they could still somehow feel it.

"That was really intense." Ron murmured, his voice strangely subdued after all the excitement.

"I know." Malfoy responded sounding hollow as Ron turned his head to him.

"Alright there, Draco?" he asked making Hermione's heart lurch at how familiar it sounded for him to say that after all the years he asked Harry the same thing.

"Fine. Just fine. You know how it goes." he replied, turning over so his back faced him. Ron sighed but his eyes looked haunted.

"Yeah, I do know how it goes."

They sat in silence stewing in their low for sometime when Ron finally spoke again.

"Why did you do it?"

Malfoy didn't stir but by his sudden tenseness, they both knew he was listening.

"Why did you take a whole bottle when you know that at most you should only take half?"

Malfoy shrugged still not answering.

Hermione did not want to be hearing this. She did not want to be there anymore. She knew where Ron would go know, his secret was up, and know that she knew she just wanted to get out. She did not want to see him getting concerned for Malfoy, nor did she want to hear about Malfoy's problem. She did not want to see them having a heart to heart.

"You know, I've told you a lot about myself...about my issues but you never say anything...You've let me go on but you never really talk about yourself, just like Harry."

"Don't compare me to your precious Potter, Weasley! Or I'll kick you out and never let you come back again!" he hissed, turning around suprisingly fast to glare heatedly at Ron.

Ron sprang up from his spot too, his face red and frowning.

"I'm not, but it's true and you know it! And drinking a bottle of potion sounds a lot like you were trying to off yourself so I'm sorry if it bothers me-"

Malfoy sneered as he interrupted Ron, something dark and hateful in his cold grey eyes.

"Bother's you? We're not friends, Weasley! I'm not going to be a substitute for your crumbling friendship with the mudblood and the boy-who-wouldn't-die!"

Ron's lips tightened and his ears turned red as he stood up, his hands clenched and looking just about ready to punch a whole in Malfoy's face.

"Fuck you Malfoy." he hissed spitefully.

"No fuck you Weasley and your damn bothersome feelings!"

"Why can't you just tell me what's going on instead of acting like a damn spoiled little fucking asshole? You git!"

"Because you wouldn't understand Weasley! You think your problems are bad but you haven't even tried to make things better for yourself, instead you just mope around like a useless lard of shit! But I've tried to fix my life and I can't! You have no idea what its been like with the ministry breathing down my neck and my old mates fucking hexing and cursing me at every turn!" He bellowed, a horrible pained look coming across him and twisting his features "You don't get anything so why should I tell you, eh? What possible good would come from it, hmm? Are you suddenly going to make my dark mark go away? Are you going to undo all the horrible things my father and I have done? Huh, _Weasley_?" he continued to mumble things Hermione couldn't hear but made Ron roll his eyes.

"Then why are you here? Why not run back home to your precious manor and you stupid peacocks?" Ron spat out disgustedly.

"What you think I want to be here, how daft can you be Weasley? I'm only here because its part of my sentence! I have to help fix this sodding shit whole until its done and get cursed and spat at while doing it! It's fucking hell! I'm in fucking hell!" He cried, breathing heavily at the end of his tirade. The two boys stared at each other and did not say a word.

Malfoy looked away first, and in a move so peculiar to Hermione, Ron smiled but its was far from joyous.

"The war really fucked us all, didn't it?" he said as Malfoy's eyes narrowed down at the floor.

"Yeah, yeah it did. Everyone who used to be in Slytherin is now suicidal or on drugs like me." Ron nodded his head in understanding and Hermione couldn't help but marvel at the mysterious working of boys.

"It's the same for us Gryffindor's accept everyone is either in denial like Harry and Hermione, secretly suicidal, or on drugs."

Another wave of anger hit her as she listened to his words. In denial, was she? As if he knew! He couldn't even stand to be around her for longer then two minutes to tell whether she was in denial or not! What right did he have to go and say that when he wasn't even around anymore?

Malfoy snorted unpleasantly, still looking uncomfortable and Ron shifted.

"Who else is on drugs?" Malfoy asked in a deadpanned sort of voice making Ron smile without humor.

"Almost everyone. George is which means you know Lee definitely is. A lot of people that used to be on the Quidditch team, Richie, Cormac and Jimmy. And Lavender started but she says its to help with her lycanthropy..."

"You should invite her next time." Malfoy said with an uncharacteristic wiggling of the eyebrows. Ron smirked but shrugged noncommittally.

"And whose suicidal?" Malfoy asked, his tone marginally softer.

"This boy named Nigel I used to know and Dennis, you know, Colin Creevey's little brother? I think Lavender told me her old room mate Fay hurts herself. She knows cause she can smell her blood sometimes. There are others, I recon, that have had a go of it."

"When I was taken to the hospital wing, half the people in there were on suicide watch. This shit isn't making any of us better." Malfoy hissed as Ron nodded.

Hermione felt shocked. She had never suspected that all this was going on. She should have known, she supposed. It would be a given that the war damaged everyone but to hear all this...She smiled and talked to Fay everyday and been none-the-wiser. She felt sick and horribly selfish. She felt tempted to ask Ron how he knew all this and she did not when he had been just as absent as her.

Then again she could be wrong. Maybe it was only her and Harry he was avoiding. Obviously, this night had taught her that she really didn't know and could not make any assumptions towards Ron anymore.

She stewed in this thought until after a little more pensive silence between the two boys, they finally decided to leave. Hermione practically flew out of the door and out of the dungeons. She felt in a state of complete disarray not only in the revelations that her spying had brought about Ron but about what was happening right in the castle with her none-the-wiser.

While, though her heart pounded and her hands curled to fists, her mind raced with ideas; both her emotions and genius dueling for the forefront of her mind. Should she confront Ron about what she saw and admit to spying on him? Should she tell Headmistress McGonagall about all the drug usage happening in Hogwarts? Should she tell Mrs. Wealsey about her sons?

Who did she go to with such serious and delicate matters?

One thing she did know, she could not let this matter of drugs and suicide continue on any longer. Her main mission here was the betterment of all Hogwarts students and if the psychological damage caused by the war remained hidden behind the layers everyone was building around themselves it would only fester. Thus, this would lead to unhealthy sound individuals procreating and bringing into the wizarding world a generation of children born from damaged parents which in effect would damage them.

Her mind whirled as she pondered the possibilities of a unstable ministry, rudimentary education and a deficit of wizarding Britain. Her preoccupied mind lead her to the library where she stayed drawing up statistics from past wizarding recessions and possible implications of untreated post traumatic stress disorder and depression on the economy. She stayed there all day and all night researching.

She did not sneak into Harry's bed that night.

* * *

Days turned to weeks and weeks into months without the fire that sparked that night burning out. In the first two weeks she'd crafted several different ideas she thought would help the situation brewing in Hogwarts. The third, forth and fifth week was spent presenting her ideas to Headmistress McGonagall and refining them to present to the board of educators. Finally after presenting to the board it was a matter of waiting for it to get passed. Now her idea of a one-time mandatory psych exam by a trained mind healer was to go into affect within the week.

The idea was that those who failed the psych exam had to see a counselor every week without fail or face a fine of fifty pounds. Counseling would begin to be offered for those who passed but still wished to partake in the counselling sessions. There was also to be a full drug inspection conducted once a month and those found with drugs would have to appeal to a small ministry counsel unless medically excused.

She'd looked smugly in Ron's direction when all this was announced by McGonagall during dinner one night. She felt quite proud about the new regulations although there was still more she felt could be done.

Her smug smile fell when her the movement of Ginny's hand slipping into Harry's caught her attention. She glanced over from the corner of her eye just in time to see the significant look the couple passed between them and felt a lump tighten in her throat.

Sure her newest quest had proved to work marvelously to separate herself from herself but it always hurt. Looking at them always hurt. She turned away and lowered her eyes to her food. A tension made her body coiled tight and she knew then and there that she would go to Harry's room. She felt anxious for the wee morning hours that would enable her to sneak up to him.

Reluctantly, her eyes peeked up at him. At least he was not staring dreamily at Ginny. He sat staring down at his own plate twirling his fork in his food obviously deep in thought. Even behind his glasses the dark circles of his eyes were noticeable. She felt a pang in her heart that he was not sleeping. Ginny sat next to him staring at him with a concerned frown that he was too deep in thought to notice as her thumb made soothing circles on his arm he'd laid on the table.

Swallowing hard, Hermione raised her head and spoke to an aware Harry for the first time in what felt like a millennium.

"Everything alright there Harry?" She asked, her voice sufficiently startling Harry from his thoughts.

He looked completely thrown that she was speaking to him. Actually, a quick glance around showed that everyone around them, including Ginny and Ron, seemed startled. She felt suddenly defensive at this.

"You looked troubled." she clarified needlessly as she sort of glared at the others.

"Oh, well, I'm fine, Hermione. And you? Are you...alright?" he asked this time startling her.

Her wide eyes shot to meet his green eyes and although she had opened her mouth to speak she felt all the words escaped her as she finally really looked at him. It felt like so long since she'd been able to really look into his eyes and she felt strangely nostalgic gazing at them. She felt like crossing around this table to sit next to him to stare from a closer proximity. She felt suddenly like she wanted to talk to him for hours.

She realized then that she had missed him. She'd missed just speaking to Harry. She missed her best friend.

Her eyes quickly shot to Ron who was looking at both of them with a sort of tight closed off look on his face. She missed him too.

She missed the three of them.

"Hermione?" Her eyes shot back to him and felt her eyes involuntarily water. She could tell him that. She could easily say that she missed her best friends and have a good heart to heart with them. She could try to force the rift between them all to go away.

But the knowledge that they had all changed and there was no going back to how they were before the war made her close her mouth and turn away.

"I'm fine Harry, thanks."

Harry too must have realized this since he did not say anything else. He looked like he wanted to when she sneaked a glance at him but he didn't.

Later that night, as promised, found Hermione bewitching the boys dorm and sneaking in.

Her breath was shallow as she stepped inside and saw him felt with begrudging excitement as she crept closer. It felt quite and peaceful in the room the light from her wand cast the room in a soft glow. Crossing over to his bed she felt more alive, more sound and peaceful then she had in a while.

Yet, at the same time she felt more miserable then ever. Why couldn't she get over this feeling? What was wrong with her?

She felt frustrated. She wanted to bottle up these emotions and cast them out to sea. She wished she could magic them away. Then again, she was so happy to know Harry and if getting rid of these feelings meant never becoming his friend then may god have mercy on her covetous soul.

For the first time, Hermione crawled into his bed and laid herself under his covers. His scent wafted over her and she breathed it in deeply. She reached up a hand traced his scar, running her finger down the bridge of his nose and over his lips.

Something about this familiar face. She knew it well. She'd dimly notice the subtle changes that had come over this face throughout the years. He'd grown to be good looking. More importantly, he grew to be so brave, a savior. He'd defied death two times. He lived.

Merlin, it felt like a blessing that he even lived to be eighteen!

So why...whywhywhywhywhy? Why were they all so miserable?

She abhorred that a moment of Harry's precious life was being wasted on misery. Tracing the circles of his eyes, there was no denying that Harry was not fighting demons. Maybe that was why her feelings just could fade.

She opened his eye lid to find his green eye dulled with sleep, unable to wake and see her due to her charm.

"Open your eyes, Harry. Talk to me. Confide in me. Let me help you." she begged futilely. She let his lid drop and cupped his shoulder shaking him slightly. "Tell me it can be how it was! Bring us back to how we were!"

Silence. Of course there was only silence. There could only ever be silence.

She flopped onto her back beside him and covered her eyes with her arm.

She stayed still like that barely even breathing. She'd really lost it. Everything about her situation right now proved that. She really needed to talk to those counselors. She wasn't entirely sure that she'd pass the psych exam.

She laughed sardonically.

* * *

Have you ever been truly lost? Have you felt so consumed by your own horribly empty void created by your own empty heart? Ever felt desperation? Loneliness? On the precipice of breaking? Ever lost something you could never get back and felt the weight of that knowledge weigh you down day in and day out till your left sobbing a weeping mess on the floor? Maybe you've felt unrequited love? Maybe you've felt the coldness that death leaves you with?

Hermione felt that. She felt it all and she felt nothing. She felt like she had to constantly fight herself everyday and at night...She felt the sting of pains like white hot butterflies in her brain. She felt the pain like a skeleton trying to fit beneath her skin even when it was abundantly apparent that it couldn't fit. It was too much.

She acknowledge it. The emotions plummeting in her were too much for her to handle anymore. Would she bring everyone down with her when her heart finally cracked and made a meal for everyone to choke on?

She didn't want that.

But how do you fix it?

She didn't know.

* * *

What Hermione did know was that she could only help herself so although she felt nervous and ready to flee, she still marched up to meet the mind healer. The first one to do so, in fact.

The healer did not seem impressed with her name and war credentials. He gazed at her with an interestingly blank professional face over his horned glasses similar to Dumbledore's. His brown eyes gave off nothing as they stared at her. She distracted herself from his face with his clothes. The white and red St. Mungos proved to be a feeble distraction that did nothing to calm her nerves.

"So, before we begin the examination why don't you tell me about yourself, Miss Granger. What have you been thinking about lately? What have you been feeling?"

She felt her lips tighten and her body stiffen as he spoke. The immediate answer would be Harry but could she actually say that allowed. Would reveling her unhealthy obsession with the savior of the wizarding world be smart? Her eyes darted around nervously as she quickly weighed the pros and cons of being honest during this session.

Frantically, she thought that he would probably find out the truth in the exam and if she lied it would only make her see that much more unstable. But then she thought, that it would just be so much easier to lie. She didn't have to be truthful about _everything_, did she?

However, she did want to do this properly. She knew she needed help and even if she did pass the exam she had planned all along to lead a good example to the students and come regularly anyway.

"Miss. Granger? Tell me about this pause. What is making you hesitate? What are you feeling right now?"

"Panicked. I don't know how to do this. Do I be completely honest throughout? How much detail do I have to give you about my feelings? Do I name each one? Do I have to explain them?" She knew she was rambling. She never used to ramble. It was an unpleasant revelation.

"You can be as open with me as you wish to. There is no right and wrong with this. If you'd like you don't have to answer at all and we can go right onto the examination but its good to start with an introduction. An calm state of mind is best to begin with afterall."

"Then I'd like to talk..." she replied. He smiled, sat back in his chair with the quick quill quo going behind him.

"Then go ahead, Miss Granger."

She gulped before shutting her eyes briefly as she took a deep breath and steeled herself.

"Well, then, to be honest I'm actually nervous because inside I know I should be here." she started, peeking up at the mind healer for his reaction. He watched her with that professional mask on his face.

"And why do you think you should be here?" he asked. She looked away, her mind flashing to the night before and Harry's sleeping face. She would not reveal that yet, she just couldn't. She decided to go with an ambiguous answer.

"I just haven't been feeling right, lately. I'm overly emotional and closed off at the same time." It was true. She felt like every little thing would set a pang in her heart yet she kept her own cool professional facade everyday.

"Okay, and what kind of emotions are you feeling?"

"Anxious, mostly, like if I mess up in front of everyone they might see that I'm...I'm not as perfect as I appear to be. That I...I really don't have everything under control. I mean, a lot of things happened to us during the war and even before it and you don't really think about it while your still in the thick of things, right? And now that its over...well, all there is to do is think about it, isn't it? About what happened."

"And have you communicated with your friends and family what you are feeling and all that you have gone through?"

She stared a little to long at the healer with a look she was sure said he was daft for even asking.

"Why would we talk about it? We were all there during the final battle."

"Yes, but talking about it helps alleviate some of the pain."

"And that's why I'm talking to you, right? Talking about it with Harry and Ron would just be redundant."

"And why do you think it would be redundant Miss. Granger?"

This time she set out purposefully for him to her condescending glance.

"Because they were there with me too."

"Talking is not only just sharing a story but confirming to one another that what they had felt at that moment is normal and it builds bonds and understanding between people. A sense of camaraderie and comfort. I suggest you try speaking to your peers and family again. You might be surprised with the results."

Hermione looked down, carefully folding her hands in her lap as she contemplated his suggestion. She'd tried picturing it, sitting with Harry and Ron alone and hashing it out, all the absolutely absurd things they were put through.

The image hit her wrong. She saw the hard truth that it would not be a warm and fuzzy experience ending in hugs and tears. No, Ron would just be sitting there looking as out of and shut off from everything as he always did, pestering her that this was all stupid and fidgeting in his seat with his need to leave. And Harry, she knew he would just sit there awkwardly, not really meeting her eyes but compliantly sitting there and probably thinking about how soon it would end so he could be reunited with Ginny.

She sighed disappointingly. Had the three of them ever really had a heart to heart? She thought back and tried to think of an instance but even after the incident in the dungeons in there first year and the chamber in the second, they had never talked about what happened. Then third year with...a pang hit her heart as she remembered Sirius and Remus but she pushed it down as she tried to recall.

Yes, there had been a moment when Harry had thought he'd seen his father's patronus. She remembered watching his profile as he talked wistfully about his memory he chose to create his patronus.

And then it swarmed like a latch unleashed; memory after memory of her and Harry sharing small quiet moments. In forth year when they'd been practicing Accio-ing his firebolt and they'd shared a private proud smile when he'd really mastered it and when she'd hugged him and he squeezed her back tightly before he went off to fight the dragon. The happiness she had felt in fifth year when he told her that he did not find her ugly and in sixth when she'd really seen Harry's pride in her when he'd praised her to Professor Slughorn.

Sitting there in the therapists chair she felt a fond pensive smile fall on her face as she remembered. Now that she thought about it there had been plenty of chances for something between them to start, just as much as she had with Ron but...

But she had not then realized the true extent of her feelings then. She had really believed that she was in love with Ron. She would have continued to as well if it hadn't been for the tent.

Her smile slipped and broke into a frown at the mere thought of those intensive hypersensitive weeks.

And then the final battle when she'd thought he'd died.

Her eyes closed and she could feel it coming back in full force, that all consuming horrible sensation that made bile rise in her throat and cut off her air supply.

"Miss Granger," the therapists voice called sounding muddied and far away. "Miss. Granger?" he repeated sounding a little alarmed.

She grit her teeth and a voice that sounded like Harry echoed in her head. _Not dead...not dead._

She forced her eyes to open and tried to focus on the soothing voice of the therapist above her.

"Miss. Granger, you must breath. Listen to me, hear my voice. Breath in and breath out." she listened to him, taking deep breaths in an out as the speed of her heart calmed down.

"I'm sorry," she rushed out, her voice sounding odd to her ears, panicky and weak, so completely unlike her authoritative strong voice. "I-I"

"Hermione, might I suggest something," the therapist asked as she straightened up and tried to regain some sense of control in her frazzled state. She nodded her head breathlessly and he smiled kindly down at her. "I would like for you to meet a friend of mind. His name is Healer Lamoureux and he's a specialist of war victim counseling. He's highly respected and will take good care of you. Of course, at this time he's very busy but I can make arrangements for you to meet him every Friday evening's if your alright with it?"

She paused, her hands unconsciously rubbing circles into the palms of her hands.

"Alright," she nodded her head though her lips pressed into a displeased line. "That sounds fine.

She stood feeling a heavy need to escape as the therapist mimicked her, his smile kind as she stared awkwardly at him for a moment.

"Then, that's all right?"

"Yes, an owl will be sent to you to give you a time for your session next week and you'll meet Healer Lamoureux here." She nodded and stepped away toward the door another anxious feeling creepy upon her that she tried to bat down.

"And this will be kept underwraps right? No one will know I'm seeing a different healer then everybody else." she asked with her hand poised over the door knob. He smiled reassuringly at her and nodded.

"Of course, Miss. Granger. There is nothing to worry about. None of the counselors are known to the other participants and its all completely confidential."

"Okay, well thank you." she said politely though she felt anything but.

Not waiting for a response, Hermione swept out of the room, only realizing then how heavily oppressive it felt in there. Taking a deep breath she quickly marched away her usual authoritative air wrapped around her like a cloak.


End file.
